Mayhem & Margaritas

L.F.G…We Are Late

Dear, obscenely underpaid lady who collects the excuses in the middle school office…

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Please excuse my disheveled child who stands before you with his lunch bag containing nothing but a half empty Gatorade, a bag of Doritos and a pack of Dunkaroos, it was all I had left in my purse to hand him when we rolled up on two wheels in front of the school. I’m sorry I was going so fast and scared the janitor, but your crossing guard has us well trained to obey the unwritten speed limit of 90. Please extend my apologies to him.

We had a horrendous night. My husband’s dog was up all night shitting himself because he “got into something” that apparently I was responsible for while he was at work. The weird thing is the dog goes to work with him 16 hours a day, so I guess because I’m the mom, by default I’m responsible for his well-being too. I suppose I need to work on my telepathic mom skills. Anywho, that adorable fur covered crap bucket had me up at 2,3,and 3:30am so we could go outside and enjoy the sights and sounds of nature at hours I don’t usually get the pleasure of enjoying (he can be so thoughtful). But then 4:22 rolled around and that’s when things got really good! Do you have a dog? Well if you don’t let me tell you, when a dog is about to puke up every organ inside their body it sounds like a lawnmower being fired up after a long winter in the tool shed with no gas in it. ROOOOMMM….RRROOOOMMMMMM!

This noise could wake the dead, so I know there’s no way the hubs didn’t hear this about to happen. No no, he was pretending to sleep through this literal shit-show because he has a ”sensitive stomach”, which is a load of horse manure because I’ve seen that man gut a deer on more than one occasion, but I digress. Once the carburetor cleared out in the dog’s stomach, and his engine started running, you would have thought it was a gender reveal party and his stomach was the confetti launcher! I’m happy to announce we’re having….. corn! That’s right, fucking corn alllllll over the bedroom!

While we’re on the subject of corn, can you ask the home-ec teacher how corn can go in your body whole and come back out whole as well? Maybe it’s the science teacher that may know, but that question has always had me wondering, so if you could get back to me on that I’d appreciate it.

Well after I got that belly warm creamed corn out from between my little piggies, I must have fallen back asleep. I know I set the alarm on my phone but somehow it didn’t go off. I guess my teenagers are right, those tricky phone alarms have a mind of their own and sometimes they just don’t go off. I’ll have to apologize to the boys when they get up at noon because I now know it’s not the operator, it’s that damn iPhone.

Thank goodness my internal mom clock went off. I shot out of bed faster than a woman trying to hide her Amazon packages before her husband sees them, in July (that add to cart button is so hard to refuse)! There was no way I wanted my little mask wearing energy sucker…I mean child, being so late to school that you all start to think he’s out with a case of the Covids! Ohhhh no way Jose, I’ve had 15 months of quality home based, shitty internet connection, mom can’t do 7th grade math, gym class in the bedroom, remote learning! There is NO WAY I want to do that again while we wait for the results of a test that determines his tardiness is due to a dog with a severe case of the shits, and an overpriced (clearly) malfunctioning alarm clock!

So please excuse his tardiness! I’m sorry I didn’t personally walk him to in you, it’s definitely not because I’m wearing nothing but my best Walmart sweatpants, Comfy, and Birkenstock’s on the wrong feet, I just wanted to be mindful of the pandemic and not bring any unnecessary people into your building… really, it’s true!


A mom with no F’s left to give with 6 weeks of school to go!

6 thoughts on “L.F.G…We Are Late”

  1. MentalMillennialMom

    Haha this was great to read, I love reading stories like this. I am about to have my first baby and it is amazing hearing a real perspective instead of one that has been glossed over to fit on brand.

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